love is suicide, love is death...thats all i hear.. thats all they said. I remember... i remember the nights beneath the stars...oh how i remember kissing in your car...why do I remember the words you never said.. why does you voice still ring inside my head.. Oh how much I hate this traitorous heart of mine.. it has made me wonder who I am inside. enough with the tears enough with the lies... its time to fess up and face the music.. god i wish i could die. i never wanted to hurt anyone.. or shed this blood myself. I want to walk.. I want to run... I miss what was I miss my lies...why do things have to change. so maybe you might call me emo.. maybe its all a mask... every day that passes just makes it so much worse.. I realize what I have.. what I want... what I need.... dont all agree. Oh how good it felt to sleep while being held..... oh how much my tangled mind has mixed up feelings with desires... the lies I told myself and you.. I'm sorry for them now... we were...we weren't... it doesn't matter now anyway. I almost did.. I didn't.. no wait I just might have... oh well that will only make us both wish to turn back time. I stare into space.. into my bathroom mirror... nothing is all I see. I hate who I am and what I've done.. there is nothing that can make this better but time.. oh how little of that we seem to have. lives are changing... I wish that it was changing in the way i wanted it to.. So much I want but I just can't have.. my dreams have always been the same.. but I wish that could actually come true.. this goal im working for will never make me happy.. and that dream I once wanted still exists but dies with every day of this... I willing to put up with so much from him.. and yet it doesn't work.. I dont know anymore.. i miss who i used to be and who i will never be again. this mindless life we lead.. it only leads to death.. don't we see how pointless this all is.. we all just die in the end anyway. We all jus tgo through life and hope that fate will work the way we want it to.. but it doesn't .. it never does... why do we even try.. we pray to gods we invented...cry over loves we never had... and want things we dont ever need... its stupid and pointless and there is no way to escape it.. welcome to the world we created.. welcome to hell

so yeah welcome to my life.. welcome to hell...

okay so i stole these from at TV show but I don't care I like them. I look at them at a guide for determing feeling about the people in your life especially if there is some confusion.

1. Who is the first person you think of when you wake up?

2. Who is the last person you think of before you go to bed?

3. Who is your best friend?

4. Who do you count on to come through in a pinch?

5. Who do you tell your darkest secrets to?

6. Who can make you so angry your blood could boil?

7. Who can make you laugh?

So there they are. If you with somone right now and they aren't the answer to these questions, or at least quite a few of them; then it is time to take another look at why you are with them. If they are or your not with the person that is the answer to the questions you might wanna look into that. MUAH

Soooo yeah. Working back on days at the IGA is interesting. Eveyone is town once again wants to know everything that they missed in the months i worked nights. I really tired of the store but oh well it pays for now. I think I need to have more time relaxing at my house though. I have fun getting friends to come down, we sit around and talk and make s'mores and other fun things. This morning we even made pancakes, well Tyler and I did. Yes Tyler can actually cook a chocolate chip pancake, I handeled the bacon. It was good, no smoke alarms went off or anything, which surprises me cuz I suck at makign bacon. hmmm maybe i took the batteries out of the alarm... anyway. More fun.. Im applying to URI, not really sure what will happen with that but we shall see. Im also looking into liberal studies majors here at UMPI and I dunno I might look at somewhere like Orono or UNE or something. I think I need either a better major or a larger school.. but Im not making any decisions yet. I realize I've been far too impulsive in my past and I need to take things a lot slower. But for now it is life at UMPI. I'm moving to Blaine to my parents house, I really need to get out of my apartment. Some stuff was taken from it and other incidents have taken place and I really just want to be away from the people that live there. I think I need to spend more time reflecting, I haven't been doing much thinking lately cause I haven't had a lot of time alone. It good though because I think I became really introverted from living alone, and bad things happen when I spend too much time alone. Anyway I bought some books on Buddahism today so I'm off to read them.

Somewhere between the procrastination and the homwork
the incessant forwards
and the friendships
and the calls to each other complaining about crushes
Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends
and the "I miss you's " and the "I love you's"
and the "What are we doing tonight's?"
and somewhere between all of the changing, growing
and between the classes
the skipping classes
the studing for tests
the pretending to study for tests
and the downright NOT studing for tests
I forgot
I forgot what growing up is all about
I forgot what it meant to cry
I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy
and that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart.
I forgot that you can't forget the past in fear of the future
I forgot that you con't control falling in love
and that you can't make yourself fall in love
I learned that I can love
I learned that it's okay to mess up
and it's okay to ask for help
and it's okay to feel like crap
I learned that it's okay to whine to all your friends for a whole day
I learned that sometimes the things you want the most you just can't have
I learned that the greatest things about schoolisn't the work or the stupid rules or the hook-ups
It's the friendships, which means taking chances
I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.
I learned that letters from friends are the most important thing
and that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better
but basically i just learned that my friends
both old and new
are the most important people to me in the world
and without them, I wouldn't be who I am today
So this is a thank you to all of my friends
for always being there and I love you.

SO I'm sure everyone is probably sick and tired of me flip flopping between staying here over the summer and going to RI. I know i do need to get away from some people up here for a while. I really do. There has been some changes in my life lately, some brought on by things totally out of my conrtol but it really opened my eyes to wuts important, wut ive gotten myself into and who my friends are. Im sure a few of you know what I'm talking about here. But I need to get away from certain people to clear my mind. That way I dont rush into anything and I can really figure out how I feel about a few people because I'm still pretty much confused. I also know I need to make a lot of money over this vacation. So I need to find a realy job or get more hours with the jobs I have now. I've been struggling between spending time with my family and staying here with my friends, the friends that are closer to me then most of my family members are. My sister is having another baby and I havent seen my niece since she was 4 months old, plus i have my cousins, nephew, and all the rest. SO it pretty much sucks. but wut im thinking is telling my boss at the IGA that ill take the day position that is available till the end of summer on the condition that i get a week or 10 days off when my sister has her baby to go to RI and see everyone and tell him ill start this the wednesday after final exam week.. that way i can still go down for that weekend to share BDAY stuff with my Gram cause we haven't been able to celebrate together in over 5 years i think. So there thats the plan as of 7:30ish tonight... ** I reserve the right to change this plan at anytime without warning or other notification** there i put on a disclaimer...

persistent snowbanks linger
where sun can touch them not
flap of bird wings overhead
the slow drip of melting drops
the song of eventual freedom
sung by a flowing brook
the soft give of earth when tread upon
by baby's first unsteady steps
dust that finally rises
under wheels of passing cars
the warmth of rocks and rooftops
under the ceiling of the stars
we lie and wait for answers
surround by this world
the promise of a sunrise
tomorrows solemn vow
growing from the soil
feeling the warmth and soon the heat
the little sprouts of flowers
the earth's eternal hope
for after every winter
comes a spring so warm and sweet

i am going completely insane but wutever. Im sitting here at with Zak and Tyler talking about campain stuff. yeah i kno ive been corrupted in to a republican...lol. anyway im educating these guys in french i gotta go... later.